The following story begins with what Allison, a past participant in CJI’s Victim Offender Mediation Program (VOMP), called her “speech”, her presentation to the May 2011, Police Victim Services Conference in Burnaby, BC. She has given us permission to reproduce it here. We do so gladly, aware that her words, as the young woman describing her experience from her perspective, speak more eloquently than we can ever do from our own:
Eighteen years ago, my mother, Karen became a rape and murder victim. Her offender was a 17 year old youth, a man I went to school with and at one time was friends with. (For this purpose, we’ll just call him ‘Sam’). At the time, I was 15 years old, scared, confused, angry and lost without my mom. I’ve seen several counsellors, psychiatrists, victim services, National Parole Board members as well as many other programs, always ending up with no answers to the questions I most needed answers to.
Following one of my calls to the prison where the offender was being held, attempting once more to seek information I considered vital, I was put through to the Chief of Social Work. He listened to me, told me there was little that he was allowed to divulge about the offender, but, given what I was seeking, asked if he could refer me to the Victim Offender Mediation Program. Dave and Sandi contacted me and we began to quickly form a relationship built on honesty, trust, friendship and respect, all with the same goal: to heal. At this time in my life I lived with a lot of guilt, confusion, anger, hurt and fear. I had so many unanswered questions, there was so much I needed to know and understand in order to continue my own healing process. While I was leery, sceptical, scared and unsure, [about meeting ‘Sam’] at first, I was also eager for answers, understanding and most of all to know “WHY?” I decided to do a face-to-face [a Victim Offender Mediation Program facilitated dialogue] with ‘Sam’, the offender.
I left with SO much more than I went in with: I left with answers, and a new level of understanding (which is different than accepting) where his head had been at the time and where it was now. I left with information about [treatment] programs and an introduction to the psychiatrist Sam was seeing. I left having heard him say he was just as afraid to see me in public (once he was released) as I was to see him. I listened. I left released from one of my greatest fears, having heard him say “It had nothing to do with you, Allison”. I was, in no way, responsible. I guess one could say that all he had to offer me was words, and the emotion under them, but it wasn’t until years later that I learned how powerful those words would actually be. All of my most important questions now had answers; I could continue the healing process. This process was such an incredibly powerful tool in my life.
I want to tell you a quick story that my girlfriend reminded me of, a story of a particular time in my life that reminds me of how powerful my face-to-face proved to be. I was planning to go to the Cloverdale Rodeo with my husband, two kids and one other couple and their kids. Four hours prior to leaving for that event, I got a phone call telling me that Sam, who by then was in a minimum security prison, had been given [a Temporary Absence] permission to attend that Rodeo with members of his family. I decided to go. Why? Because during my face-to-face Sam told me something. He told me that he was so scared to ever see me in public when he got out, that he didn’t know what he would do, or say; that he would turn around and leave. I thought about that, instead of thinking the way I used to: that he would hurt me, or even just see me without me seeing him. I went [to the Rodeo] and yes, it was a little uncomfortable, but we had fun. Fun, because of the information I got from my face-to-face, meeting. It gave me another way of thinking, and I liked it. Years ago, I would think about my mom and horrifying, vivid images and thoughts of what happened to her would come to mind. Because my thoughts were so unsettled and questions were not answered, I was unable to see past that. Now I am settled. My questions are answered and my thoughts and images of her are again funny, silly, sweet memories of her laughing, joking or just simply calling out “Hey girls”.
I am now a mother of two and the wife of an amazing man. I am a registered care aid; I work with seniors that fill my life with joy. Today I can move forward with strength, courage and confidence. I do not forgive, and I can never forget what Sam did to my mom, [those things are for her to forgive, not me]. I can use what I’ve learned, though, through VOMP, to help others. This program has done so much for me…. Dave and Sandi have been there for me from my worst to my very best days, including my wedding day. [The program has] given me the gift of knowledge, guidance, support and friendship, but most of all, the ability to heal. For that I am forever grateful,
Thank you, to each of you, [workshop participants] for coming to listen to me this afternoon.
One of the primary themes in Allison’s conference presentation was that, as a result of her VOMP participation, her experience of virtually all of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which she had previously suffered had been sharply reduced. As part of that presentation, Allison allowed me to share the inventories she had filled out through the duration of the time we were working with her, therapeutically. As we went through the inventories together, comparing them for the conference attendees, Allison commented on what she saw as the vast difference between her current experience of those symptoms and her experience as the “confused, terrified, angry and pretty much shattered 15-year-old at the time my mom was taken from us”. Further, she indicated that while she currently experienced a few symptoms in each of the inventory’s categories, the resurfacing of those symptoms occurred so infrequently that she had altered the inventory form for the purposes of this presentation, taking out the descriptor “(1 x per week)” in the heading marked “Seldom”. She reported that, for her, “Seldom” now meant “a few times per year”. She was also clear that, while her experience of those symptoms had continued to diminish “… over the fourteen years since my face-to-face meeting, most of them [i.e. the symptoms] began to disappear immediately after the face-to-face.”
She reported that in the months following her dialogue with Sam, and as she met fairly regularly with VOMP staff to work on a few therapeutic objectives, she became increasingly free to live, free of survivor guilt and free to experience joy once more. Allison had experienced a reassertion of her ability to love and work. The crippling fears experienced earlier were gone; she was now sure that she would be able to parent her children without obsessively fearing that she might be taken from them by murder (or them from her). Finally, she felt that she had achieved a new vision for her life, as a caregiver herself, working part-time as a Care-Aid, assisting seniors living in extended care facilities. And what of Sam, the young man who acted out so violently at age 17? Is there hope for one such as him? Has his experience of VOMP been healing for him, as well? Despite initial grave concerns for Sam’s prognosis and the high risk potential (according to earlier risk assessment instruments) for violent recidivism, there have been no new charges or parole condition violations. Sam has been on parole for four years, now, working to rebuild his life, to heal relationships in his own family of origin, to make a positive contribution to his community through diligent skilled work as a tradesman and as a contributing member of society. The frequent contacts with him have slowed, then ended. Sam now is working, like Allison– and in large measure because of the challenges she put to him in their face-to-face meeting–to develop and live out a new vision for his life. All indicators are that he is doing just that.
